THE RULES August 9, 2010

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules can change without notice.
3. Males can’t know the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows the rules, she must immediately change some of them.
5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind.
9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED July 8, 2010

What I’ve Learned

• I’ve learned -
  that you cannot make someone love you.
  All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
• I’ve learned -
  that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
• I’ve learned -
  that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
• I’ve learned -
  that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
  After that, you’d better know something.
• I’ve learned -
  that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
• I’ve learned -
  that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades
  and there had better be something else to take its place
• I’ve learned -
  that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

What I’ve Learned (real world version)

• I’ve learned -
   that you cannot make someone love you.
  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I’ve learned -
  that no matter how much I care,
  some people are just jerks.
• I’ve learned -
  that it takes years to build up trust,
  and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I’ve learned -
  that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
  After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
• I’ve learned -
  that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others -
  they are more messed up than you think.
• I’ve learned -
  that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades,
  and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
• I’ve learned -
  that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
  and all the less important ones just never go away.

---

RELAXATION THERAPY April 29, 2010

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called “the world.”

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now. . . . . . .feeling better??

SOME NORTHERN HUMOR March 12, 2010

A trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, 

runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, & she 

says “Hi, my name is Heather & you are losing some of your load. “The trucker 

ignores her & proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red 

light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up & knocks on 

the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the 

blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, & you are losing some of your 

load!” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again & continues down the 

street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.  When the light 

turns green the trucker revs up & races to the next light. When he stops this 

time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, & runs back to the blonde. He knocks 

on her window, & after she lowers it, he says…”Hi, my name is Kevin,

  

it's winter in Ohio & I'm driving the SALT 

  TRUCK!"

thanks to northerner Elmer Gulliam

thanks for the laugh Uncle Ed! March 4, 2010

Cough Syrup………. 

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily Against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk:
“What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The blonde clerk responds: “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative.”

The pharmacist yells:
“You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a laxative!”

The blonde clerk responds,
“Of course you can! Look at him, he’s afraid to cough”.

LET’S GO SHOPPING….. September 3, 2009

You might want to spruce yourself up a bit before your next visit to Walmart. There’s a new website at PeopleofWalmart.com that features photos of the most embarassingly dressed Walmart customers.

Gotta wonder if I will end up on this website since I was just at Walmart yesterday. Um, let me know if you see me  

A CLEANING TIP…….FROM THE DOG June 9, 2009

Subject: how to clean your toilet

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash”
and
rinse”.

 

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

 

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

 

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Dog

THREE LADIES IN A SAUNA… May 29, 2009

Three Ladies in a Sauna   

 
THREE WOMEN; TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND   THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY..

‘THAT WAS MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.   
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’  

THE OLDER WOMAN 

FELT VERY LOW-TECH. AND NOT TO BE OUT DONE, DECIDED SHE HAD 

TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SO SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.   
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.   
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT….I’M GETTING A FAX!! 

BLOND MOMENTS May 20, 2009

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo,………..just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that “in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves !” Helllooooo? It’s been a year! I told him. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.  He
never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

……AND THE NUMBER ONE BLONDE MOMENT IS…… May 19, 2009

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…

 She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company..